I started watching season 3 of Bridgerton on Netflix and could not stop thinking about how lonely it would be to live in a time where you had to follow polite society and use a dance card. I would probably become a Lady Whistledown too, gossiping around the town because I’d be bored and lonesome, and then it hit me… I am a cliche. Lately I have been feeling an incredibly, unwavering sense of loneliness. But how can one be lonely when they are surrounded by people who love and support them? Someone please tell me, I am genuinely asking. I have become a lonely person who writes to fill a void just like every other tolerable protagonist in a period piece or poorly written Wattpad fanfiction. Today we're gonna break down loneliness and how it is not just the feeling we have when our need for social contact and relationships needs aren't met. According to Google loneliness is: “a complex, unpleasant emotional response to perceived isolation or a lack of connection with others. It can be described as social pain, a psychological mechanism that motivates people to seek social connections. Loneliness can be felt even when someone is surrounded by others, and it's different from solitude, which is simply being apart from others.” How wonderful it is to have Google perfectly dictate my exact feelings… However, it doesn’t make me feel any better about my particular situation.
Oftentimes when I feel like I have nobody to talk to, I turn to movies. Thanks to my film addiction, I now have an unlimited library of options for my viewing pleasure. But when the screen fades to black and the credits roll I’m back to square one: lonely. The bright side is that for at least 20 minutes after I watch a movie I can play around on Letterboxd, reading reviews and finding similar films to enjoy and log. We all have ways in which we cope with feeling lonely. You may bury yourself in a book to escape the monotonous nature of your everyday life, or perhaps you go to the gym and work out all your stress while growing some glutes. Whatever your personal mechanism is to cope with overbearing feelings and emotions, what do you turn to when that stops working? When your usual tactics can no longer fill the void? I’m still trying to figure that out.
To be honest, the past couple weeks have been extremely lonesome and I can’t put my finger on why. I work from home and I love the flexibility of my day, the ability to read and read and write in the mornings, and then the spontaneity of seeing friends at night or going to the movies. I recognize how lucky I am to be able to work and live so freely, but I wonder if that liberty is causing my feelings of loneliness. I do enjoy some direction, a schedule to organize my days and thoughts. Lately though, I haven’t had any real structure. Since graduating college I have come to the realization that structure and order is sometimes necessary to be productive. I think that it is quite normal for humans to want a loose sense of direction, and by no means am I saying I want to be told what to do and when to do it each and every day, but sometimes I’d like to not be in control. I guess the point I’m trying to make is… I’m confused, a bit lost, and very lonely. I have been given so many rich and fulfilling opportunities in this life, and I often find myself struggling to be grateful and content where I’m at. I am always looking for what’s next. It’s quite easy to look and fester about what’s ahead, because you can’t see nor predict it… most of the time. It’s harder to sit and stay where you are, while remaining content. Though there is a difference between content and complacency. I despise complacency. I need to find a way, for myself, to be okay with the fact that I am going to feel like this. Overworking yourself as a form of distraction from loneliness is like putting a bandaid on a broken bone; it isn’t gonna work. Social media and accessibility has stunted our abilities as humans to enjoy and bask in boredom. I think boredom is a good thing. I long for boredom, I long for my mind to be clear and quiet, free from obligation, and free to do as I please (which would probably be binge watching movies all day). So why am I incapable of accepting and enjoying this feeling of loneliness?
A year ago when I was abroad I found myself unable to experience boredom because there were constantly new things to see and explore. I was more than 3,000 miles away from my family and friends, yet I didn’t feel lonely. Even on a bad day, when I was homesick, I didn’t feel like I was lonely or longing for company. So why when I’m home, five minutes from anyone I know ,am I feeling so lonely and isolated? I have grown to welcome the loneliness, I can’t fight it so I might as well learn to enjoy it. I know many people who would prefer death to loneliness and I understand why, to an extent. Overtime I have become quite fond of being by myself. It makes company and spending quality time with others more exciting. It allows you to cherish the moments spent with people that much more. Don’t get me wrong, I love to go out and party and mingle, but learning to accept and tolerate loneliness has made me look forward to coming home and being by myself. I often wonder if the fact that I’ve always been single has made me more comfortable being alone. My parents raised me to be very independent and I am so beyond grateful for that, not only because it allowed me to do things on my own, because it also taught me to be okay on my own and not reliant on others. I have always looked at romantic relationships as an added bonus, like building an addition onto a perfectly good home. You don’t need it, but it’s a good addition. Friendships should be the same, your friends and platonic relationships should be added bonuses to your life. The people closest to you should be sources of encouragement and support, you should not receive all of your confidence and self-love from others; you have to create it for yourself and allow others to emphasize it. It is only when you are alone that you can grow and learn to love yourself. You’d be surprised at people’s ability to tear away your own self-reliance.
I guess my recent spell of loneliness stemmed from my fear that I don’t have a path or a purpose right now. Last year I was studying and traveling, doing something I’d always dreamed of. Prior to that I was in school working towards a degree, trying to discover what aspect of film and media I wanted to make into my career. Now, I’ve graduated and I’m floating in space trying to find a job and potentially move out of state. School has always been a safe place for me to feel like I was doing something meaningful. As Hannah Horvath once said in Girls on HBO, “I hate to break it to you, but school’s the best gig you’ll ever have. I mean your job is just to basically be yourself.” I’d have to agree with Lena Dunham here, school really was a good gig. I never really struggled with being myself, rather with worrying that people weren’t gonna like the person I am. Being alone and taking the time to get to know myself has allowed me to remove those shackles. Girls on HBO really is great if you’re ever feeling like you have no direction in life; none of those girls did either, and they turned out fine… kinda. I know people tend to get seasonal depression in the winter time, when it gets cold and dark; I think I get the reverse. Summertime makes me feel so lonely and lost because I have too much time on my hands. There’s not much to do, unless you wanna spend an arm and a leg. The sense of community and togetherness is few and far between nowadays. The New York Times published an article earlier this May about loneliness where they said, “In an age when participation in community organizations, clubs and religious groups has declined, and more social interaction is happening online instead of in person, some young people are reporting levels of loneliness that, in past decades, were typically associated with older adults. It’s one of the many reasons loneliness has become a problem at both the beginning and end of our life span. In a study published last Tuesday in the journal Psychological Science, researchers found that loneliness follows a U-shaped curve: Starting from young adulthood, self-reported loneliness tends to decline as people approach midlife only to rise again after the age of 60, becoming especially pronounced by around age 80.” Well, I am 22 and I’m feeling the effects of loneliness quite heavily so… what do we do about this.
As I have said before, I accept loneliness and I am comfortable experiencing those feelings. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna feel part of something. There aren’t many spaces for community and communication in a suburban area, and going downtown is expensive and takes like 25 minutes to drive there. I wish there were more places to build connections in real life. I frequent certain cafes and bars, bookstores and shops, but I feel people have lost the ability to just make conversation; talk to strangers, ask how they’ve been, you already know my thoughts on the modern world of dating. Everyone experiences loneliness and in a world so focused on socials, we aren’t a very social generation. Something I miss so much about being in England, and most parts of Europe, was the conversation and lifestyle. Walking everywhere, taking the bus or tube, chatting to someone outside a bar, people busking on the streets. Life was more enjoyable because it wasn’t moving so fast. I think if we all started to focus on what’s in front of us we wouldn’t feel so lonely. Often I’m scrolling for hours on my phone because I have nothing else to do, when I could be going out and doing something productive, even if it’s just going for a walk by myself. Loneliness comes in many different forms, for me loneliness happens when I feel lost. Lately I have never been so adrift. Going out and having drinks is a temporary fix, but in the long haul all that’s gonna do for me is drain my bank and destroy my liver. So what do I do about this unfortunate situation? Get on a plane and go back to London… I wish. I am going to put myself out there and find a new hobby to occupy my time and mind. Lately I have been thinking about joining a club or taking a class, not only to feel like I have direction and structure, but also to meet new people. And maybe meet a handsome fella along the way, I mean who knows… I’m not opposed. I just feel it’s necessary to put myself out there in order to escape this slump.
For anyone else who may be feeling similarly, whether you’re lonely or feeling lost, how are you gonna get out of that space? Maybe you don’t even want to, and that’s fine too. I know I always say to try new things and allow yourself to be surprised, but this time I really mean it. Take a break from the world on your screen to appreciate the real one in front of you. Life is a wonderful gift, I encourage you to keep exploring until you find your happy place. As the days get longer, enjoy the sunshine and perhaps a cocktail too. Loneliness is inevitable, we might as well learn how to endure it for small periods of time; then we’ll be able to cherish more.Til next time, I hope you’re doing well. Stay flirty, stay thirsty, and remember it’s okay to be alone sometimes. I’m alone right now, and it’s extraordinary… so are you!
See you soon,
Paige B.
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