I have always had a bit of a problem when it comes to vanity but, recently I have been doing an extra sh*t ton of double-takes in reflective surfaces just to be positive I don't have “IDIOT” plastered across my forehead. The reality is, I don’t. So why do people continue to make a fool out of me and embarrass me? Some people just have too much time on their hands I guess. Lucky for me, embarrassment isn’t something too difficult to navigate. Shame on the other hand is a burden I just can’t seem to shake. I find embarrassment to be temporary, and most of the time self-involved. Today, we’re gonna talk about both of these heavy feelings and ways we can feel better when they come around. Grab a drink, cause this could get pretty intricate and borderline hypocritical. Typically my ideas and anticipations for blog posts stem from what’s happening in my life currently, but this topic was sparked by something that’s been brewing inside me for a few weeks. Last night I thought, I will not continue down this pitiful path of self-deprecation and loneliness. And boy am I happy to announce that THE BITCH IS BACK! Who knew all it would take is a little pep-talk and a budding crush on a man! Enough of this jibba jabba, let’s get into it.
Embarrassment is like a weighted blanket, it’s warm and familiar but uncomfortably suffocating at the same time. For me, embarrassment only hits hard when a crush is involved or someone I am trying to impress. There’s something so vulnerable about liking another person in a romantic manner… It's embarrassing. I find that I really only get embarrassed when I have a crush or when I wake up after a night out and check to see if I texted anyone a weird meme (especially when I’ve been on Twitter). Thankfully, that doesn’t really happen as much as it once used to so I’m not that affected by it. I find that I endure way more 2nd hand embarrassment for other people and their actions, which is quite funny because others could feel that exact way about me and my actions, I just don’t care. Let me give you a few examples so we can get on the same page, here are 5 things I find embarrassing (on other people’s behalf):
Tripping/ falling in public
Being so ungodly drunk and sloppy in public that you can’t stand up straight
Snapchat messaging (why are you messaging me on snap when you have my number?)
Catching someone in a lie
Returning to Love Island more than twice (come on, seriously)
Does this clarify for you what I mean by 2nd hand embarrassment? This past weekend I went to a festival and seeing people belligerent drunk in broad daylight was embarrassing to me. I’m all for having a good time, but there’s a time and place; we’re on Main Street, not the top floor of a club. Now, how does the embarrassment of having a crush fit into all this? I guess the reason I find having a crush to be humiliating is because I assume (I know) they don’t feel the same way about me. So then I am just burdened with all these thoughts and ideas about them and I drive myself absolutely crazy. You may be thinking, why don’t you ask them or find out if the feelings are mutual? What the actual f*uck is wrong with you? I don’t have a fear of rejection, because rejection is just a part of life and we should all accept that, I just don’t wanna have that conversation at my grown age. “Hey person I know, I have a crush on you! Do you have a crush on me too?” I think it would be easier if this crush was someone I just met and we could reciprocate feelings towards each other. But when a crush on someone you already know kinda well comes out of the blue and punches you in the face… What then? I am an avid watcher of reality tv okay, I’ve seen how friends to lovers pans out, and it is never pretty. I think my history with crushes and dating being negative hinders my ability to act free of fear and embarrassment. I’m sure we’ve all heard some variation of this statement: “we live on a floating rock, embarrassment isn’t real.” Why sure, we may live on a floating rock and it may not be that deep, but while I am alive on said rock I will not be going out of my way to embarrass myself in front of a random crush that will most likely fade after a few weeks to months. You sure as hell are not gonna embarrass me either! As Sabrina Carpenter said, “heartbreak is one thing, my ego’s another. I beg you don’t embarrass me mother f*cker.”
Shame however, is an untamable beast that creeps into my conscience at the least opportune moments. Where embarrassment can be predicted or anticipated at times, shame just comes unannounced and uninvited to a party that required RSVPs. I unfortunately feel a lot of shame, a lot of the time. I feel ashamed about things that happened to me over a decade ago. I feel shame about things that weren’t even my fault. The biggest difference I’ve noticed between these two feelings is the intention behind them. Most of the time embarrassment is just awkward discomfort that you experience after an event or circumstance. I don’t really find myself feeling embarrassed about things that happened weeks, even years ago because it was the past. But shame, it just sits heavy on my heart and mind. If you’ve ever watched Game of Thrones you would understand what I mean when I say, shame is like walking through a crowd naked as they shout and spit at you. I think embarrassment can be avoided if you just behave accordingly around others. How often are you getting embarrassed when you're by yourself? Unfortunately, shame is the most comfortable making itself visible in private. And if you can’t handle the silence and pressure of being alone, you’re gonna have a very hard time fighting this battle with shame. I have grown to invite uncomfortable feelings, emotions and thoughts when I am by myself. Picture this: you get into bed, shimmy under the covers, all the lights are off. Then out of the smallest, darkest corner of your mind, every awful thought or shameful feeling you’ve ever experienced cascades across your psyche. Your plans for sweet dreams… dead.
A common theme that gets brought up in almost all of these blog posts is the idea of the inevitable. Things are gonna happen that you cannot control, rather than learning how to avoid those situations all together- we should learn how to cope. When it comes to shame I have accepted that I cannot control these horrific thoughts and flashbacks, but what I can do is allow them to pass. Take a deep breath, calm down and try to fall asleep. I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse but every night when I go to bed I have the most outrageous, vivid, colorful dreams. They play in my head like feature length films; making the good ones really exciting, but my nightmares are unbearable. These dreams tend to play out based on the state in which I fell asleep. If I go to sleep super calm and relaxed, my dreams are pleasant. If I fall asleep stressed or overthinking and worrying, I tend to have scary dreams that cause me to wake up in a cold sweat. My dreams stay with me till the next morning as well. I can usually describe them in perfect detail; or I Google their meaning to see if I’m slowly going insane. All of this is to say that you gotta find a way to cope with uncomfortable situations, and more importantly- uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I know in order to sleep well I have to let these dark thoughts pass by before I reach R.E.M sleep. When it comes to a crush, I cope by ignoring it. I’m not gonna do a damn thing about this; aside from blush and kick my feet when they walk away. As for embarrassment I feel on behalf of others, perhaps I’ll laugh and giggle but that’s as far as that goes. I wouldn’t say there’s a right or wrong way to tackle embarrassment- but the floating rock concept really works for most scenarios. Again, that doesn’t mean I’m gonna go out of my way to experience embarrassment. As for shame, that’s far more personal and case sensitive so I don’t really know how to navigate advice here. Everyone has their own traumas, histories, and triggers; you never know what’s gonna make one person laugh and another person cry, so just try to focus on yourself.
Life is chock full of wonderful people, places, and things. Don’t let others make a fool of you to get a laugh. Embarrassment caused by others on your behalf is a completely different circumstance than feeling awkward about something you may have said or done. People who go out of their way to make you feel awkward or uncomfortable are seriously disturbed, just like the people who said orange is the new pink! Those people, their actions more specifically, are the exact thing you need to learn how to deal with. They must have some deep rooted insecurity if they think the only way they can receive positive attention is by being negative towards their peers. There’s a difference between being “in” on the joke and being the “butt” of it. I know I’m funny, so if people are laughing at me for anything other than my own jokes I’m gonna be looking around cautiously. Sadly, a lot of people feel that the only way they can be liked is by embarrassing others. I don’t know why, quite frankly I think it’s super weird behavior (just like being so drunk you can’t stand up at 7pm). Other people’s actions are not something you should feel ashamed or embarrassed about, but it happens and that's life. Things are going to happen to you that you cannot control, like having a crush on a really hot person who definitely doesn’t feel the same, but you know what you can control? How you react and allow yourself to feel. Am I upset, embarrassed, or ashamed my crush isn’t reciprocated? No, it’s more of a loss for them really than it is for me. Am I hurt that people enjoy embarrassing me in public? No, it gives me something to write about. All you can do is worry about yourself and how you react to certain situations. I think being able to remain calm, cool, and collected in uncomfortable situations is one of the greatest strengths you can have. Not only do you prove to yourself that you are okay not being in control, you’re training yourself not to be embarrassed or ashamed by things you did not cause. If I were to really think about a time in my life that was so embarrassing I am still burdened by it today, there’s only one and even that story is just so hilariously stupid I’m not embarrassed by it anymore; I just feel embarrassed for little 5th grade Paige. Allow me to tell you this story so you can feel better about being embarrassed, especially when a crush is involved.
It's the first day of 5th grade, I was wearing hot pink skinny jeans and a matching top (I was all about monochromatic outfits). Fifth grade was also a very dark time because that's when I discovered high heeled sneakers, and I wore them every single day. I also wore sock buns in my hair, but I didn't know how to do a sock bun so you would just see the sock… embarrassing for her. So on the first day of 5th grade, like I said, I'm sitting in the cafeteria with my friends eating my lunch having a good old time and my crush also happens to be in this lunch period. He was seated across the room, I don't know what possessed him to come over to our table but he did. When he came over I had been sipping on a carton of milk and as he approached our table, that milk shot directly out of my nose onto my lunch tray and he laughed at me and we all laughed and I laughed so hard that I peed my pants. I peed in my hot pink skinny jeans. Not only did I snort milk out of my nose in front of my crush (the one that I had for like a decade), I also peed my pants on the first day of 5th grade. So I had to take an Aeropostale zip up sweatshirt and tie it around my waist for the rest of the day with pee on my jeans because I refused to go to the nurse's office and change my pants in the middle of the day in fifth grade. I find this to be so hilarious that it's no longer embarrassing to me, but back then I was mortified. I was so ashamed I was so humiliated and I thought there's no way my crush is ever going to like me because I snorted milk out of my nose. News flash: he didn't like me because of the milk, he just didn't like me and that's totally fine. So, the next time you're sitting thinking oh my god I embarrassed myself in front of the person that I like, what will they think of me? Have a laugh and move on, or write about it.
I can’t remember the last time I did something that left me feeling embarrassed for myself, because it’s temporary. These awkward and uncomfortable moments pass, if you take anything from this post at all just take that. This circumstance will pass and be a funny story in the future, I promise. Do you know the amount of people I have had a crush on, and look back and laugh so hard I nearly pee my pants again! We are constantly growing, learning, evolving, and experiencing life as it comes from us. In order to continue to live freely, we have to be okay with not always being in control. We have to be okay feeling embarrassed every now and again, or feeling 2nd hand embarrassment for those around us. Shame, like I said, is a different kind of wave; it’s a lot harder to ride. So, take your time learning to navigate these feelings and allowing yourself to welcome them in. It makes being alone easier, making mistakes easier, and it certainly makes having a crush a little more manageable. Laugh at yourself, laugh with others (it’s okay to laugh at others sometimes too, but not if you’re going out of your way to embarrass them) and allow yourself to enjoy all the feelings and emotions we’ve been given… even the scary ones. While you do that, I will be journaling about this crush in hopes it goes away to free myself of the torment that is romance. Till next time, stay thirsty, stay flirty, and put embarrassment on the back burner honey cause you have more important things to worry about! We’ll come back to shame in the future, I think I’d like to give that wave one final ride.
See you soon,
Paige B.
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