Am I Broken? I Haven’t Had A Crush in A Year

A crush is exactly what it sounds like: a painful, soul-pulping experience that always ends in tears… at least in my case. 

One thing about me, I’m gonna develop a crush, and I’m gonna fester on it for a long, long time. My longest running crush died last year after a record 12 years. Don’t worry. He is alive and well, I just no longer consider him as someone who gives me fanny flutters… or anything at all for that matter. I think my crushes last so long because of my wild imagination and ability to blow everything out of proportion, nine times out of 10 times I only have a crush on someone because I’ve fantasized about them before bed. Here’s a reality check: if you haven’t said anything more than “Hello” or “Goodbye.”, you don’t know enough about them, though you certainly have enough material to play pretend, and that is far more exciting than any relations with a man could ever be. Why? Because it’s fake. When you have a crush you’re dancing in limerence and the world around you turns technicolor, flavor is added to the mundanity of your day-to-day life. It’s like feeling so hot that your body goes glacier cold. You start to picture all of the romantic things he could do for you; buying you flowers, taking you to dinner, his nice big hands… You get the point, having a crush makes life more tasteful. Let me tell you about the last time I had a crush, I can already feel the eye rolls from my friends but I have to tell this story. Last year near the end of January, I met the most attractive man I had ever seen (who wasn’t a thespian). He was 6 '4, brown curly hair, just absolutely gorgeous, well-dressed too. He told me I was beautiful and I think I levitated, clearly haven’t fallen back down to earth yet. Needless to say nothing ever came from that or I wouldn’t be writing this now. He was a barista in town, I was studying abroad, and I would get nervous to see him out. I would get anxious, red-cheeked and my stomach would turn just thinking about the possibility of being in the same place. Imagine that. Being scared to go get the best coffee in town. That is what I am missing in my life. The simple anticipation of running into someone where they happen to be a regular. But there’s the trouble, the only places I regularly visit are my bedroom and my sister’s place. I’m not even on my college campus enough to see familiar faces outside of the classroom. So, how does a girl meet a guy that gives her butterflies in this digital age? I’m against dating apps, don’t like to be approached while I’m shopping, eating, or reading, and guys at the bar are guys at the bar. I want to sit and have martinis and be approached by a man who has banter and an identity of his own. He doesn’t have to wear a suit, but I’d prefer someone who knows how to match their belt to their shoes. I don’t think I’m gonna find my kinda guy sipping bottom-shelf vodka in a Pulp Fiction t-shirt at the college dive bar. My last crush was an anomaly and now I am incapable of feeling anything for anyone who isn’t a thespian, or racing driver. My last crush crushed not only my sensitivity but he also crushed my realistic standards too! So what now? Where is the technicolor flare to my mundane livelihood? It seems to live somewhere between streaming on HBO, drowning my sorrows in Sex and the City, binging rom-coms from the 2000s starring Matthew McConaughey and reading loads and loads of spicy books. This combination further proves my point: nothing is greater than the uncut version of my own imagination. Therefore, while I wait for my next flirty endeavor, I will lie awake thinking about and thus romanticizing any and all encounters I have with men until I am graced by those infamous fanny flutters. How I long to feel giddy when going to school, or frequenting the hot spot downtown for a G&T. So as a society of young, hot, and unique individuals, let's bring back dating and of course a soul-crushing crush. Perhaps it’s just me who’s incapable of developing feelings, as my friends seem to be doing just fine. I may need a change of scenery or to break out of my monotonous, lackluster routine. Or maybe, just maybe, that sea everyone talks about is running low on available fish due to global warming and has nothing to do with me. Maybe I just have to wait it out. Just sit pretty until someone catches my eye and permits me the burden of obsession and yearning. While we're on that note, I also wanna bring back love letters and yearning but we can talk about that another time. I hope to report back soon with a budding crush, but then again I can always just fall back on one of my thespians on the silver screen. 

Till next time, talk to you later, good luck crushing it.

See you soon,

Paige B.