This past Tuesday my sister and I headed up to the mall (also known as hell on earth), in the hopes of finding at least one pair of jean shorts. To absolutely no surprise at all, I was unsuccessful. I think the last time I both wore and fit into traditional jean shorts was when I was in high school; even back then I was never comfortable in them. I own one pair of mens jorts and even they are questionable in size. Every year when the warmer months draw near, I try to find something I can wear and feel confident in. And every year I am disappointed. This unfortunate trip to the mall however gave me the inspiration to write about something I think many people can relate to, especially as summer inches closer and closer: body dysmorphia. This is a very sensitive topic to myself and many others, this post will be more personal than others. That being said here is a disclaimer before you proceed with this weeks post:
This is not a pity party! I would like to simply discuss my experience with self-image and my struggle with body dysmorphia. If you find yourself in a similar situation I hope to make you feel like you’re not alone. As always there is a positive ending, so let’s get on with it!
I have struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. I don’t know exactly when it started, maybe when I was a dancer, or when I noticed my legs were a little chubbier then my friends’ and family growing up. Regardless of the start date on my self-image issues, I’ve always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Growing up, like most kids, I wasn’t really aware of my body and its shape or anything like that. It wasn’t until I became conscious of “the ideal body type” through social media and the internet. Throughout middle school when everyone’s bodies started to change, I assumed I was going to grow a few more inches and thin out. Everyone I saw on tv was tall and thin with perky boobs, so why wouldn’t I look like that when I got to high school? Spoiler alert: I did not grow, nor thin out by the time I got to high school, and I still haven’t. That really pissed me off. I felt like everyone around me was so small and I was just full of extra chub, and because of what I saw in the media I thought that was a bad thing. I felt like I didn’t fit anywhere because I wasn’t skinny and I wasn’t plus sized, I was stuck in limbo trying to buy jeans but nothing fit me right. Everything was too big or way too tight. It wasn’t until college that I started to dress comfortably for my body type, but even then the only place I could find clothes was at thrift stores or hand-me-downs. As grateful as I am for that, I would love to have been able to just shop freely; but I was so unaware of my actual size that it seemed impossible. I also found it easier to complain and mope, rather than figure it out.
When I was a freshman in High School I had my first known experience with an eating disorder and it lasted all the way up until my senior year. I’ll be honest I think that the education surrounding eating disorders in health class is pretty shitty, the curriculum is very rigid but I could write a whole nother piece on how bad I think health education is at another time. I didn’t fit into a traditional category of eating disorders so I assumed my actions were fine. I wasn’t starving myself, I wasn’t purging after a meal, and I didn’t binge eat; so my habits appeared normal to me. However looking back, I was absolutely restricting myself and harming my body. The fall of my senior year was probably the worst of it and I am very grateful to a friend of mine who addressed her concern about my habits. At the time I was playing field hockey, I would go to school in the morning and then leave mid-afternoon around 1:30pm. Practice and games didn’t start until 4 most days, so I would hang out at my friend's house until it was time to head back to school. During this entire time I would only consume a large coffee in the morning, a few bottles of water, vitamin water, and an apple sauce or something small enough to slip into my bag. I rarely ate anything in between school and practice, but then I would go home to have dinner, and that would be it. While I was restricting food from myself I was also taking a cap full of laxatives daily in hopes to lose weight quickly. I thought this pattern was fine because I looked less bloated, but in reality I was ill. To this day my stomach is all kinds of messed up. I thought by basically starving myself and taking laxatives I was gonna lose weight and look like all of my smaller friends, however all I got was diarrhea and a fear of My Fitness Pal. The worst part was I was doing all of this so I could look “good” on the weekend for whatever party or event I planned on attending. Fortunately at 22 I can say that I am much better now and I love to eat, but my body dysmorphia didn’t disappear overnight. It took a long time for me to be comfortable in my own skin, and I am not 100% but I am working on it. I still catch myself every now and again “forgetting” to eat when I have a party or event to go to. It took me a long time, a good support system, and a long look in the mirror to realize that my body is fine just the way it is, and losing excessive amounts of weight won’t make me truly happy if it's done dangerously.
It is hard as a young person to feel comfortable in their body when it’s constantly changing. I think it is even harder in a time like this, to feel comfortable in your own skin; when celebrities left and right are taking medication to lose weight rapidly. I’ll be honest, I find it disheartening to see celebrities who prided themselves on having “bigger” bodies and candidly advocating for body positivity taking Ozempic or other medications to lose excessive weight and then act like they lost it without any help. According to an article posted by CNN in September of 2023, “More than a third of people taking Ozempic – the drug approved to treat type 2 diabetes — had no history of the disease, according to an analysis by Trilliant Health, a healthcare analytics firm.” So, what are young impressionable people supposed to think? We are told to love our bodies and embrace our skin, and then two seconds later we see people jumping at the chance to rid themselves of extra fat. I think the lack of proper education around how to fuel and take care of our bodies is one of the main factors into this issue. But I certainly don’t think the media is innocent in all of this. According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Experts estimate that BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) affects about 2.4% of adults in the U.S. overall. It affects about 2.5% of women and people assigned female at birth and about 2.2% of men and people assigned male at birth. Outside the U.S., it affects between 1.7% and 2.9% of people.” For reference 2.5% of the American population is 8.25 million people. That would be like if every person in New York City had body dysmorphia (the estimated population of NYC is 8.25 million).
So, what does all of this mean? It means that this is not a light-hearted issue. Many people, both men and women, struggle with their body image and it is a very touchy subject for some individuals. I have seen excessive discourse on social media about representation of all body types, but it seems like everyone just wants to argue about labels rather than find a common ground. I would consider myself to be a mid-sized woman, I range anywhere between a size 10 to a 14. If you are reading this thinking to yourself, that’s not midsized! You’re entitled to that opinion. Something I’ve noticed is rather than conversing about these common struggles, people prefer to compete over who has it worse. Moral of the story I have always felt stuck in the middle-ground, unable to express my feelings or comfortably express myself in clothes… until recently. I wish I could sit here and recommend a brand that is true to size, when I find one I’ll let you know. But I think figuring out how to dress for my body type has really changed the way I go about looking at myself, as well as talking to and about myself.
Okay, let’s get even more personal! I have larger boobs and a super low ass. Yes, my butt crack starts very very low on my back. I’d give you my exact measurements but I think I should have a few secrets (and I’m too lazy to do so). With that, the only style of pants that flatter me are low rise, and do you know what is impossible to find? Low rise jeans that have stretch and curve for my wide hips. Basically the only place I have been able to find jeans or pants that accentuate my features is on the rack at a thrift store, and even then my size varies. So rather than look at the number and beat myself up, I’m just thankful that I found a cute pair of jeans. I find that I am most comfortable in a full-length top (I hate crop tops, they are so hideous on me I could gag) and some low riding trousers. With age, I’ve grown to understand that I don’t look like everyone else and that’s okay, but every year when the summer rolls around I seem to forget everything I’ve taught myself about patience and acceptance. I have to remind myself that not every trendy style is going to flatter my curves, and that's okay.
Every May I think to myself, If you had just started working out in January like you said you would you’d be slim for bikini season. But I never do, I never start working out in January because for 9 months out of the year I am happy with my body and like to eat normally and take a workout class at my leisure. It is only ever in the summertime when I become a shell of a human. So concerned about not having abs or a thigh gap, that I convince myself I can’t wear bathing suits or enjoy the beach unless I’m completely covered up. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I envy those who are thinner than me. I feel as though I have always connotated being thin with being attractive for myself. That’s a personal issue I am still working out, but I have always thought part of the reason I am single is because I’m bigger than my girlfriends. Now let me just say, I think my girlfriends are the most beautiful, perfect people in the world and I adore them with every fiber of my being. But a piece of me (a large piece) just wishes I was the same size as them. I have always felt that if I lost weight and slimmed down, people would find me more attractive. Though you may think that is absolute bullshit, my theory hasn’t been proven wrong yet. I think being the friend that is always single and not the one guys usually go for has made me persuade myself into thinking I’m undesirable. Which is absolute garbage! You shouldn’t place your value in your weight and especially not in people’s opinions of your physical attributes. This is entirely a problem of my own, I don’t blame anyone for these feelings because that would be stupid. These are my own insecurities that I project out into the world, and I’m working on changing those patterns. You don’t know other people’s relationships to their bodies, so you shouldn’t comment on them. I would never look at another woman and judge her body type, because it doesn't concern me. I have always been able to find and appreciate the beauty of every woman and person I have ever met, so why can’t I do that for myself? Truthfully I think this is due to selfishness, assuming when I walk into a room people are looking at me and obsessive over how I look, judging me. But that isn’t how the world works, the only person thinking that much about the way you look, is you! This is why I think this conversation is important. By opening up a dialogue about the reality of body image, we can work to improve education and discourse around this issue. Maybe we just need to stop looking and thinking about ourselves so much, but social media can make that hard.
Everyday is different, I never know when I am gonna wake up and feel like the hottest person to grace the earth, or a troglodyte under a bridge. But either way, it is important to acknowledge these insecurities. I think preaching body positivity is beneficial in some instances, but honestly most of the time it’s done poorly. Yes, we should all love and appreciate our bodies because they allow us to navigate life. As a friend once said to me, our bodies are just earth suits, the vessel in which we get to exist. I am so fortunate to be healthy and able to walk every day on my own two feet. But it’s okay to have these opposing feelings sometimes, diminishing people’s feelings because they may be in “poor taste” isn’t fair. At the end of the day unless I decide to start eating perfectly clean and working out regularly, I am not going to see a change in my earth suit. Not everyone wants to lose weight, and not everyone has to. Everyone is entitled to their opinions about their body, but nobody has the right to make you feel bad about your own. We all have to do better in the way we speak about these issues, and I think candor is a good first step. Again, These are just my experiences and I want to emphasize the notion that I love my body (sometimes I just wanna give it a makeover, and that is okay too). My body is mine and I should have a right to its total autonomy. For anyone else out there who may be struggling with body image issues, I hope you know you’re not alone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am by no means perfect, but my mom says I am so I guess I should take her word for it.
Rather than spending your summer dying of heat because you’re too scared of denim shorts, try a skirt. Like I always say, try something new, you may even surprise yourself. You are worth more than any number on a scale, or tag on a pair of jeans. Being self-conscious is not a negative thing, it is okay to feel uncomfortable or insecure. It is not okay for other people to make you feel that way and put you down for how you look. You have to acknowledge that this shift in mentality starts with you. You can’t rely on others for validation or praise, start by complimenting yourself in the mirror every now and then (I promise it makes a difference). Life is too short to spend the summer hiding behind your clothes, it is totally normal to have insecurities but let me offer you this final thought. I don’t wanna be 70, afraid of my own skin and reflection, so If I want to change my mentality I gotta start now. It’s very easy to walk through life victimizing yourself, blaming others for your own insecurities. But what a shame it is to minimize your existence to just that, a victim of circumstance. Can I continue down this path chock full of crocodile tears about my body and self-image? Of course I can, it’s easier that way. To wallow in self pity and blame my unhappiness on something I didn’t get to control. What’s harder is to find a solution, climb out of the hole you dug yourself and figure out a way to live happily. It’s up to you to change your thought process in order to live a fruitful life. To be free of torment from both your own consciousness and other’s opinions. Stop stepping in bullshit, closing the fridge, embracing your inner bitch, all of these ideas go hand in hand in allowing yourself the ability to grow and become the best version of yourself possible.
Till next time, be kind to yourself and your earth suit, you only get one! Stay thirsty, stay flirty, and allow yourself to feel sexy, no matter what you wear!
See you soon,
Paige B.
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