Last Sunday I had the absolute pleasure of going to see Noah Kahan in Toronto with my sister and cousin. Similar to any of the other concerts I’ve ever been to, I sobbed. I don't know what it is about a live music event, but I’ll be weeping from start to finish (while singing along of course). At the concert, my ears were blessed when I heard “Paul Revere” live. I know that certain songs have specific meanings that evoke different memories and emotions in different people, but I also believe that the circumstance in which you hear a song can give it added meaning and/or connotation. That being said, a line in “Paul Revere” that really resonated with me is “if I could leave I would’ve already left.” This song and this specific line reflect exactly how I feel about still living at home, at 21. So, after that long winded intro, let’s talk about feeling stuck and wanting to leave home.
Last year was hands down the best year of my life, and I know I yap about it all the time but studying abroad and backpacking across Europe really changed my life. I had always dreamed of traveling around the world and living in England, and I got to do just that for six beautiful months. Coming home after that experience was tough, but it wasn’t hard to get back into my routine. I moved back home, got back to work, started a new job, and everything was great. So, what’s the problem? The problem is, after experiencing something I had dreamed of for so long, I realized that I can accomplish anything if I put my mind to it and work hard to achieve it. It’s such a lovely feeling, but it also made me resent being home when I have so many other big dreams. Since I was young, I wanted to move out of Buffalo and work in film and television. Going to college not too far from home afforded me many opportunities to grow and learn about film and the industry in general. Since being abroad and starting my new job, my dreams have only gotten bigger, and living at home (as lucky as I am to be doing so) makes me feel like I am falling behind. I want to leave, I want to move, and just dive right into work. Part of the reason I started this blog was so I had another reason to write, along with my true desire of being a screenwriter. I think If I could leave Buffalo and do something I already would have, but something is holding me back: my fear of failure. Don’t wanna move away and risk having to come back home because I wasn’t good enough. I feel like I have spent most of my life trying to prove that I am good enough to be where I’m at. There’s gotta be a reason I have gotten this far. But then again, what if I’m not as far as I think I am? I feel like Emma Stone in La La Land when she’s crying to Ryan Gosling and she says, “because maybe I’m not good enough… maybe I’m one of those people who's always wanted to do it, but it's just a pipe dream… and I’m not supposed to.” Maybe I'm one of those people, someone who dreams of being a part of that world and that's all it is, a dream. But it can't be. Why would I feel so drawn to something and so passionate about something if it wasn't meant for me? The way that people dream of being doctors, lawyers, or the best athlete in their given sport; that is how I feel about writing, film, and entertainment in general. Being here, living at home, I am so grateful and so fortunate, but a piece of me just feels as if I don't get out of here soon, I'm never going to accomplish anything. I think people stay in certain situations because they're comfortable, and who likes abandoning comfort? I've never had the desire to work 9:00 to 5:00, get married, have kids, and live that kind of life here. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but I just feel, by staying here I'm hindering myself from moving forward in both my personal life and career. I don’t think staying in your hometown equates to settling, or being unsuccessful. Personally, in order for me to grow I have to shed a layer of skin, and that layer is living in Buffalo. Ideally, I would take my family and friends and move them with me, but that's not very realistic. Maybe I'm just a whiny b**** and I need to grow up and move on. Truthfully, the only thing keeping me here is my inability to release me of my comfort. I can't be alone in this though, there's gotta be other people that feel like their purpose is bigger than the life they're living now. Basically, I'm stuck. My feet are stuck, almost cemented down to the floor of my enclosure. I could remove them, but I’m waiting for something… I just don’t know what. I'm stuck and confused and scared and all of these emotions are peaking because I’m graduating in a month and unlike certain career paths, mine doesn't have a step-by-step course to success. And, I'm scared that I'm not going to be successful, that I'm destined to be the person that keeps trying and trying and trying and never succeeds. I hate the negativity but I need to share my thoughts, another reason I have a Blog so my thoughts and opinions can be sent out into the ether for other people to relate to or dislike all together!
So what now? I guess I kind of just have to figure it out and let you know what happens. I think as a start, I got to learn to let go, and then come up with a plan.Things have always been easier in my head, putting them on the page or bringing them to life is where I struggle the most. So if you or anyone you know relates to Paul Revere, or any of the thoughts I just spewed onto this page please let me know. Maybe I should take my own advice from last week and close this fridge, nothing changes if nothing changes, you know?
Till next time, listen to “Paul Revere” and don't cheers to your fears!
See you soon,
Paige B.
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