This past Wednesday my car broke down in the middle of an intersection. I have had that car since the end of my senior year of high school. I know it’s not that long but we had some really great times together. That car has taken me to so many concerts, vacations, parties, shopping trips, and beach days; a seven seater SUV has plenty of room for memories. This got me thinking about reliability, more specifically it got me thinking about things that when they last, they’re amazing, but when they fall apart it can be nuclear… and that is female friendship folks. My female friendships are some of the most important relationships in my life, and I have had many of them fail and many of them flourish. What I have noticed after all these years is that quality beats quantity by a million miles, and as you get older it is harder to meet new people and develop those deep connections- but never impossible. Understanding that some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime is paramount. So today, we are going to talk about friendships and how to navigate these relationships: past, present, and future.
My first girl best friend was a girl named Nicole. We grew up down the street from each other, went to school together, rode our bikes together, and fought over who got to be the teacher when we played “school”… everything little 6 year old girls do. Then at the start of fourth grade we moved, and Nicole and I weren’t friends anymore. I think about her a lot, as a matter of fact I think about other people that I once knew or hung out with constantly. It doesn’t come from a place of jealousy or anger, I just want to know where they are and what they’re up to. Luckily social media exists and I can do that, but I never do. I have had a lot of different girl friends in my life, but the friendships that I think about all the time are the ones where I felt like I had gained another sister. There is something so electric about meeting someone and just becoming best friends; telling each other everything, having your own inside jokes, sleeping over at each other’s house every weekend. The relationship and bond that forms with your best friend is different to that of a sister or a cousin, because they don’t have a predetermined notion of who you are at home. That’s why making friends outside of your hometown or social circle is so thrilling. I love when I meet someone and they don’t have three degrees of separation from my high school. People tend to focus on cliches when it comes to romance, however most of the time the same rules apply to friendship. I’ll never understand people who ride or die for their partner but take advantage of their friends. Would you believe me if I told you that you don’t have to sacrifice one relationship for another? You don’t have to put down or neglect the other people in your life just because you met someone new, and yet this is exactly what I do and it has ruined so many relationships that I valued. I think if people had the same values for romance that they do for friendship, we’d be in a better place (but enough about that let’s talk about girls).
The term best friend can oftentimes be weaponized. If I say my best friend is so-and-so, so-and-sa may get offended because they think they’re my best friend. Truthfully I think you can have multiple “best friends,” simply because different friends have different purposes. I may tell my one friend every minute detail of my mundane life just to keep them in the loop, and I may tell another friend every other detail; it doesn’t mean I value one friend more than the other, I just know that different people have different needs. My friends out of state may require more communication than my friends down the road, simply because of distance.If you can acknowledge the different needs of your friends, and what kind of friend they are to you, it becomes easier to navigate and balance a multitude of relationships. Like I said before, quality beats quantity in any fight and the friends that I have now are the best, quality friends I could ask for. That doesn’t mean we have a perfect relationship, because nobody does, we're growing and evolving. I have had my fair share of shitty friends, but I am no saint and I too have been the shitty friend. One of my female friendships I think about all the time is my best friend from high school. Thankfully we are friends now, but for a while we didn’t even talk, I think it was a year. Looking back on our fallout, it was so stupid and completely avoidable had we communicated properly, but at the moment it didn’t feel that way. She’s someone I am constantly thinking about, constantly wondering how different our relationship would be if we didn’t go through that; sometimes it’s necessary though, to go through something together to make you stronger. I think time has made me grow bitchy. I used to have a lot more patience, but that caused me to bite my tongue and allow myself to be treated poorly. Now, I find myself speaking up and speaking out, not only for myself but for my friends. This does get me in trouble from time to time, and I don’t think people always appreciate my opinions but I am trying to be honest. All through high school I just wanted to be cool, (because I watched too many coming-of-age movies and just assumed I was meant to be a main character when in reality I was annoying with unevenly straightened hair) causing me to sabotage a lot of relationships. Now I think I am in a place where my friends are the most important people in my life and I would never go out of my way to hurt them or their feelings. I feel so insanely lucky to have met these girls and still have them in my life after all this time. The longest running female friendship I have had is 22 years, and if I had to pick a true “best friend” it would be Peyton, my sister.
I was very lucky to have grown up with a sister, I think that bond is one of a kind. My mom has a twin and they are so close, they call each other multiple times a day, they see each other at least once a week, and I have always admired their relationship. My sister and I haven’t always been this close, I don’t think we became friends until she went to college. In high school we were friendly of course, but now we are like… inseparable. I actually am going to Florida tomorrow to see her because it’s been a week and I am losing my mind. Having a sister to grow up with, especially an older sister, is such a blessing. She told me when I looked like sh*t, she called me a b*tch, she’d steal my clothes, she’d make fun of everything I did and wore (rightfully so, those high heeled sneakers were disgusting). I know everyone says growing up with a brother forces you to have tough skin, but having a sister is just a different kind of toughness. My mom and sister helped me grow into the woman I am today, but most importantly growing up with a sister taught me to value the women in my life. If you have ever watched Girls or Sex in the City, you have seen the ups and down of female friendships and I hate to say it but these relationships usually end in one of three ways: poor communication, outgrowing each other, or a MAN. Yes, sometimes friendships end because one of you were bat sh*t crazy, but we don’t have time to address each and every potential outcome of your relationship! One timeless tale of friendship terminating over a man is that of Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag from The Hills. The Hills was a reality show from 2006 and it is one of the greatest pieces of history we have because Lady Gaga debuted (kinda) on the show. Anyway, Lauren and Heidi were best friends, they lived together, they were partying it up in LA together, they were living the dream. Then Heidi meets Spencer Pratt (Brody Jenner’s best friend) and they fall in love, but Spencer is horrible and manipulative and he spreads all these rumors about Lauren regarding a sex tape. So of course Lauren and Heide have an explosive breakup because Lauren won’t be friends with someone who dates a guy who is so cruel to her, and Heidi is devastated because she is loyal to a fault and Spencer won’t allow her to hang out with Lauren. So for three seasons of this show Lauren and Heidi are in this huge drama that involves all their friends and siblings and it is insane. All of this to say, boys can destroy years of friendship with one single kiss… a kiss of death. I am sure everyone has experienced something similar, maybe not to the same magnitude, but everyone has had a girlfriend who values men and dating over their friendship. This can be really hard, when your friend only comes around when they’re single or fighting with their boyfriend, and then you don’t see them for another few weeks. Having a sister made me learn at a young age that no man is worth more than your friends and family, and if he truly is he should respect those other relationships, not try and take you away from them. What happens when you guys break up, and you had already pushed away all of your friends, who’s gonna be there to piece you back together? You can have multiple different relationships at once, you don’t have to put one on a pedestal and shun all of the others. Have you ever watched Gossip Girl? Why did Serena and Blair fight in the beginning of season 1? Because Serena slept with Nate and then fled the city. Blair was upset her best friend slept with her man, and then disappeared with no word- poor communication and a man… what a sh*t combination.
Some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some friends are just meant to teach you a lesson and leave, some are meant to challenge you and take you outside of your comfort zone, some are meant to be a part of your life until you die. These same rules apply to partners, and sometimes even family members. I have had so many incredible friends and we ended up just growing apart, other times relationships end a little more messy. What I think is the most important thing to take away from those friendships, is what you could’ve done better… you can always have done something better. Every person is different and has different needs, every friendship is different and has different norms. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with behaving a little different with different friends, as long as you’re not being fake. I would take a bullet for each of my best girl friends, and my biggest fear is being shot and killed. I would give a kidney to any one of my girls who needed it, if we had the same blood type. I would go to war any day for my girls, and it wasn’t always like that. My mom used to always say, “make new friends and keep the old one silver and the other’s gold.” I always thought this meant one is better than the other, but now I know that it means they’re both perfect and their difference is what makes them special. I used to only wear gold jewelry and now I mix my metals. My friends are my support system, my friends encourage me to be the best person I can be, that doesn’t mean we don’t argue or piss each other off because we are human. The reason I keep mentioning my sister and our friendship is because I can’t get rid of her.My sister is someone who has been in my life since the day I was born and will be there till the end of time, I think it's important to have someone in your life that can call you out on your bullsh*t because we all need a reality check every now and again. Sometimes you just have to call your friend and ask if you're being overly dramatic or if your feelings are Justified, and sometimes they're just going to tell you what you want to hear. But best friends, like my sister, she's going to tell me the truth. Sometimes you just need to be told what you want to hear and other times you need to be slapped in the face. My female friends, my friends really, I don't have that many friends that are men, they are the people that allow me to be the best version of myself. They know me better than I know myself and that provides me the ability to grow and be a better person and a better friend to them. I think one of the worst things you could be known as is a bad friend and for a while that's the kind of person I was and I'll admit that, I have been a sh*tty friend. and it took me a long time to get to a place now where I can be honest and use open communication in order to strengthen my relationships. I really believe that focusing on my female friendships has allowed me to learn to like myself more which then makes me a better person to the people around me because I'm not so burdened with self-hatred. You are a reflection of your friends and your friends are a reflection of you, why would you want to be friends with someone who doesn't share your values? You can be friends with someone who has differing opinions different goals different dreams and ideas, but at the end of the day if you're friends with someone who's just a bad person who takes advantage of other people or is just a piece of s*** it says a lot more about what you tolerate and allow into your life then it does about their own behavior. A friend to all is a friend to none. Be friends with people who are going to push you out of your comfort zone, into a place where you can become the best possible version of yourself. Don’t let fair weather friends or boy toys stop you from building strong relationships and connections with women in your life.
Unfortunately I cannot predict the future but if I could get a glimpse at the life ahead of me I hope I don't lose any of these friends and any of these people but I hold dear to my heart. The girlfriends I've made in the past 2 years are some of the most incredible beautiful intelligent women I've ever met in my life and I don't know what I would do without them. I'm so lucky to have grown up with so many female cousins and most importantly my sister. I'm so thankful that I get to hang out with these people and experience life with these people and I really hope that I get to meet more people like them. One day you may not live 5 minutes from your best friend and the work you do now on building that relationship is what's going to allow you the same strength when you're across the country from one another. I can't imagine living in a world where these people are a part of my life and that's because we have built an incredible friendship over many years. Good things take time and good things come to those who wait. If you've been a bad friend in the past or you've had a bad friend in the past, take the good things from that relationship and use them to make new friends and meet new people. Navigating female friendships can be tough, a lot of the time we think about our old friends. We only focus on the negative, why we're not friends or why they left, whatever the case may be. But at the end of the day you are responsible for yourself and all you can do is try to grow and be better for the people around you so that they can be the best people for you. Boyfriends come and go but your girlfriend's are forever, because even if they're not you'll never stop thinking about them. There is an endless supply of films about the complexities of female friendships, watch just one episode of reality tv, it's everywhere. It's complex, it's beautiful, it's everywhere, and most importantly it is necessary. As Billie Eilish says, "birds of a feather we should stick together." Till next time, stay in thirsty, stay flirty, but most importantly stay in touch and be a good friend.
See you soon,
Paige B.
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