What is the psychology behind being a people pleaser? Is there a difference between being a giving person, a people pleaser, and a yes man? Or are all of these different variants of the same character trait, likability? I would call myself a people pleaser, simply because I don’t quite enjoy conflict. However, I would say I have grown out of my pleasing others for validation, something you may call a “praise phase”. So why does this occur, and why is it so common in women to minimize themselves or their thoughts in order to make themselves more palatable to those around them? With that, why do we feel so compelled to consider other people’s feelings when those are people who would never consider ours? All of these questions arose for me in the past week when I read two wonderful books- well one and half, I’m still working on the second- On Womanhood by Sophie Gilbert and The Woman in Me by Britney Spears. Both of these books talk about the varying expectations of women in relation to the people around them; husbands; fathers; boyfriends; friends; mothers; sisters; bosses; strangers we’ve never met but feel we owe politeness to. All of this is to say that I believe there is a difference between offering others respect and possessing the overbearing need to please others for some kind of affirmation; yet both of these attributes relate back to feminism in some way, shape, or form. So today we’re talking about the dangers of pleasing people and how it causes insecurities and lack of boundaries in relationships.
I am not quite sure when my desire to be perceived positively began, probably back in elementary school because I was terrified of having to turn my card from green to red, but somewhere along the line I became a self-obsessed freak who constantly worried about what others thought of me and what I could do in order to make them like me more. When this occurs, or these people pleasing flare ups return in times of desperation, I dislike the person I become because, why am I giving so much energy to one person or one thought? According to Google, A people pleaser is someone who consistently tries to please others, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. Are you or someone you know struggling with people pleasing tendencies? Here are some examples to help you figure it out:
You struggle saying “No” to people, especially when you really don’t want to do something.
You worry about other people’s opinions or perceptions of you.
You feel guilty setting boundaries with friends, family, coworkers, or partners.
You need constant validation, affirmation, or approval from others.
Your personality changes based on who you’re with.
You lack an overall sense of self or identity that isn’t based in acceptance.
Don’t be fooled by these examples my friends, because you can have all of these tendencies and behaviors and still be selfish. People pleasing and selfishness are not mutually exclusive, and being a people pleaser does not make you a better person. In fact I’d argue that continuing down the please, please, please others path, you’re doing more harm than good. By basing your self worth in other’s opinions of you is never good, it’s even worse when your acts of service come from a selfish place rather than a genuine one. Oftentimes pleasing people can slowly shift into manipulation; I know if I do this for someone or behave in one specific way, these people will like me more and then I will be happier. Your happiness is not more important than someone else’s. Spending so much time learning and adapting to other’s thoughts and behaviors in order to make them like you more can become creepy and Machiavellian fast. So, are you or someone you know abusing people pleasing tendencies for your own benefit?
You tell people what they want to hear, even when you don’t believe it, causing you to resent them.
You intentionally ignore boundaries because you fear your own independence.
You calculate your actions and responses in advance to ensure likability.
This shift from being a giving person, or someone who likes to help others to a people pleaser is gradual and understandable. But the shift from people pleaser to master manipulator is quick, and something I like to call the “Marnie Michaels Syndrome” (Marnie Michaels is a character on Girls for those of you who may be confused, watch season 1 & 2 and you’ll understand what I’m talking about here). The “Marnie Michaels Syndrome” is when you fully believe in your mind that you serve others out of the kindness of your heart, but in reality you are controlling situations for your own benefit. I struggle from Marnie Michaels Syndrome, and I am actively working to expunge Marnie from my personality daily. The real danger of pleasing people, other than adopting Marnie Michaels Syndrome, is losing your own sense of self and independence. Once you lose the ability to form your own opinions or interests without public opinion you lose the ability to enjoy your own company; constantly critiquing yourself and your belief system because it doesn’t align with your peers. When I stopped asking for constant approval from those around me, though it was challenging, I started to live more freely. I became less stressed and angry, even envious of others. I would say I am in a very good place, probably the best I have been in a while; I no longer tell people what they want to hear, but I also know when to not tell people anything. You can still please others, offer a helping hand, go the extra mile, but if your intention is rooted in self-preservation, your pleasing becomes manipulation.
“We accept the love we think we deserve,” a fabulous quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower that’s never reigned more true. We allow ourselves to accept manipulation, or abuse in the form of love and friendship because it’s easier than being alone. We allow ourselves to accept people’s shitty behavior and dark clouds as long as it's eventually accompanied by a bit of sunshine. People pleasing goes both ways and oftentimes ends in the inability to set boundaries and live comfortably, free from judgment and worry. The truth of the matter is you don’t owe anyone an explanation, and nobody owes you one either. You don’t owe anyone your kindness or your time, they don’t owe you theirs. WIth this revelation you would think the best way to navigate life is with mutual respect, but oftentime people are assholes. It is not that difficult to be a kind person, but when your kindness becomes a weapon used to ensure your own sanity, that’s a problem. I am a firm believer that people are innately selfish, and I don’t believe that to be a negative thing. I think we need to guard ourselves and have our own best interest at heart, you can obtain this without imposing your insecurities onto others. Everything is about balance and moderation; sometimes you need to be selfish in order to protect yourself from danger; but sometimes you need to understand that not everything is about you, and you can help others without expecting something in return. The real difference between being a people pleaser and being a genuine giving person is the expectation. If you do something nice for someone genuinely, you shouldn't expect anything in return; when you begin to expect things in return for your kindness you enter the realm of selfishness, which can then lead you down a path to Marnie Michaels Syndrome. Nobody’s perfect and we are all working to be the best possible versions of ourselves, maybe not all, and with growth comes accountability.
The varying expectations of women in relation to the people around them can lead to a lower self-esteem because we feel we owe politeness and respect to everyone; though women are not given that same politeness and respect. Teaching young women that their value comes from their looks or what they can do for others leads us down a path of destruction at an early age. This then creates the people pleaser within us, which then can lead to Marnie Michaels Syndrome, later labeling us as manipulative, controlling, beings. Basing women’s value in their looks or their actions is what creates a constant need of approval and acceptance. Perhaps my incessant need to please others began in elementary school when I was scared of turning my card from green to red, or perhaps it was before that when I was told I was too loud and dramatic and needed to tone myself down for those around me. How can we crucify women for lengths they go to to please others when they are taught that their value comes from pleasing? We have to hold these people and systems accountable for the constant contradictions held up for women in a society that continues to push them down, and this starts with supporting the women around us. That means telling them the truth, not just what they want to hear. That means setting boundaries with your peers. And that means learning that your value comes from your character and your heart, not what you can do for others in order for them to like you. Once you start to allow yourself the freedom of others opinion, notice how you’ll stop expecting things in return for your own generosity. I challenge you this week to allow yourself the ability to make choices and say no without fear, allow yourself to be free of perception and see what that does for your sanity. Please, please, please yourself for a change! Be kind be genuine, but don't be a kiss ass seeks validation in all aspects of life, it's not good for you or those around you.
Till next time stay flirty, stay thirsty, and stay true to yourself, pleasing people often does more harm than good!
See you soon,
Paige B.
P.s. Read On Womanhood by Sophie Gilbert
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