Each day I spend online I seem to fall deeper and deeper into a pit of despair with all the new ways women find to pit us against each other. As a woman in her twenties I have experienced my fair share of misogyny and blatant tasteless sexism from men. If you have been here from the beginning perhaps you’ve picked up on my indifference towards mediocre men, if you’re new welcome. Today I want to talk about our inability to grow as women due to our constant need to bring each other down. From name calling to slut shaming, whether it is rooted in jealousy, hatred or insecurity, I truly believe every single woman at one point in her life has put down another woman; in her presence or behind her back we have all been there- I did it last week. I am never proud of myself after talking sh*t on another woman, I find myself to be very self-aware of when my distaste for another lady is justified but I’m no saint. However, this type of “putting women down” is natural, unfortunate, yet a facet of life. You are not going to like every woman you meet nor do you have to but, in order to bring each other up we must stop putting each other down especially in front of men. When women criticize each other in the presence of men, it often encourages men to do the same, as they may feel justified in emulating this behavior. I’m sure you’ve all heard the name, I’m sure you know one personally, she goes by “The Pick-Me Girl.” Today, let's delve into the damaging and overblown use of the "pick-me girl" epidemic on social media, a phenomenon that has fostered a new battleground for women to undermine one another.
According to Google Ai a pick-me girl is “a social media term that describes a woman who seeks male validation and approval, often at the expense of other women. The term originated from a 2005 episode of Grey's Anatomy when Meredith Grey asks Derek Shepherd to ‘pick me, choose me, love me’. The term became more popular in the 2010s and 2020s due to its frequent use on social media.” For the remainder of this piece we will be talking about the pick-me girl in terms of heteronormative terms: language and concepts that assume heterosexuality as the default or norm. At first when I heard the term pick-me girl I immediately thought of someone who would intentionally make you look bad in front of a group, especially a group with attractive boys. She would maybe make fun of you, point out your insecurities, or just make you sound like a cyclops, freak, undesirable who lives under a bridge like a troglodyte. Maybe her motive is to embarrass you, or simply she is just trying to come off as cool and funny at your expense, or worse she has to be the only girl in the room who is perceived as hot. Whatever her motive is, her behavior is childish and bizarre. The pick-me girl is, or so I thought, just a pest similar to a bee that keeps circling your head out of curiosity while you squint and freeze out of fear. I thought that was the extent of the pick-me girl, but upon recent discovery this term has been blown so far out of proportion it is allowing for some serious woman on woman crime. In a recent article published in Student Life titled “Pick Me. Choose Me. Love Me: The Evolution of the Pick-Me Girl” from the University of St. Louis, Slyvie Richards wrote, “Suddenly, “pick-me” can mean almost anything. “Pick-me girls” aren’t “like other girls” because they take on “masculine” traits, like playing video games, to attract men. But they are also girls who take on “feminine” traits, like wearing makeup, to attract men. These definitions reinforce stereotypical ideas of “masculine” and “feminine” where women can never win. If you don’t want to be a “pick-me,” you must reach the perfect mix between subjective “masculine” and “feminine” traits. Except in doing so, people will say you’re a “pick-me” anyway, trying too hard to reach this balance.” Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Cosmopolitan puts it a little more plainly saying, “A pick-me girl” wants nothing more than to set herself apart from other women, even if that means embracing the male gaze and denouncing the parts of herself that are inherently associated with femininity. A sister to the “cool girl” (remember that monologue from Gone Girl?) and the “not like other girls” girl, a “pick me girl” will place value on activities, interests, and habits traditionally championed by straight, cisgender, heterosexual men—sometimes, to their own detriment.” In my opinion the term pick-me has lost its original meaning therefore losing its original value. Let me list off five characters from film and tv that Reddit is considering “pick-me” girls:
Julia Stiles as Kat Stratford (10 Things I Hate About You)
Sydney Sweeny as Cassie (Euphoria)
Alexis Bledel as Rory Gilmore (Gilmore Girls)
Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)
Julia Roberts as Julianne Porter (My Best Friend's Wedding)
There is only one girl on this list who is an actual pick-me girl and I am going to give you absolutely no time to guess because it’s Cassie from Euphoria. Calling Kat Stratford a pick-me girl for simply not giving a damn about any of the loser boys at her public high school set us back a few years in terms of feminism. With the new movement of decentering men you would think Kat stratford was a pioneer, but the internet is calling her a pick-me girl because she de-centered them too far. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Rory Gilmore was only a pick-me girl when she slept with Dean who was married and then cried “he’s my Dean” like a freak. Carrie Bradshaw just had one hell of a crush on an emotionally unavailable man, and so have I so what about it? Julianne Porter just happened to be best friends with a guy who wanted his cake and to eat it too, causing her to behave poorly and ruin Cameron Diaz’s wedding! Cassie from Euphoria went out of her way to go after Nate Jacobs, her best friend's ex, and changed her entire self to fit Nate’s desired type. Each of these characters had their fair share of "pick-me" moments, haven't we all though. To reduce these ladies, though fictional, that term takes away from all their other annoying or admirable qualities. That is a pick-me girl, not someone who just hangs out with the boys or doesn't wear makeup, not someone who claims to not give a sh*t about guys, someone who goes to lengths to change themselves in order to be picked by a man.
The term pick-me, like most terms on social media, lost its value when people started applying it to any and all circumstances. As women we do not have to like each other, there are a handful of women that I just can’t stand and that’s okay. What’s not okay is tearing other women down for their hobbies or fashion or lifestyle choices because they don’t align with yours. Being the kind of woman who has a strong sense of self and radiates confidence in a group setting does not make you a pick-me. Being the type of woman who shifts her appearance or behaviors to align with the male gaze doesn’t make you a pick-me either, it’s not your fault our society has failed us with so many double standards towards women. But being the type of woman who changes your values, morals, belief system, or even passions in order to obtain attention from a man does make you a pick-me. Pick me, choose me, love me. This isn't a high school gym class where you're trying to get on the same kickball team as your best friend—you don't need to be chosen. Why would you want to be selected? We preach to young women everywhere that they should be treated like a princess with respect, compassion and love, and yet we allow ourselves to accept such objectification from our peers. I truly believe the term pick-me was popularized by some men in order to make women more docile and fight with each other to take some heat off the mediocre men in our lives (like how people believe Peta is run by the meat industry). At a time when women’s rights are at risk, we need to stick together. Stop tearing each other down and disrespecting one another with silly names in front of men who then feel it’s okay for them to do the same. If we, as women, fail to extend grace, support, and respect to one another, those in positions of power may feel justified in doing the same. The term "pick-me" delves deeper than it seems, exposing underlying insecurities and internalized misogyny among women.
Let me repeat that. If we, as women, fail to extend grace, support, and respect to one another, those in positions of power may feel justified in doing the same. The term "pick-me" delves deeper than it seems, exposing underlying insecurities and internalized misogyny among women. This goes for all women: cis-women, transwomen, women of color, queer women, women that you went to school with and just don’t like, even the women who don’t support other women (be stronger than them). I’m not saying you can’t gossip or chat a bit of sh*t every now and again, cause that would be insane, but we need to stop psychoanalyzing everything about other women in order to make ourselves feel better. You can admire and even envy other women without resorting to hatred and jealousy, or low-hanging fruit such as name calling. I am no saint, I am guilty of this myself but I am actively working to be better. Like I said, that doesn’t mean I have to like all women (cause I don’t) but I can respect them, even the ones who have no respect for themselves or others. Watching this season of Love Island USA and seeing all the discourse surrounding the girls, it's disheartening to see how much hate is being sent towards certain women. People need to lose their feeling of entitlement in others’ comment sections, keep those nasty thoughts in your head, you look like a freak. Going out of your way to comment mean things on other people’s pages doesn’t make you cool, it makes you weird. If you have nothing kind to say, keep it private—write it in your diary or share it with a friend, but don't broadcast it publicly. Remember, karma will catch up with those who lack tact and human decency. I'm not saying don't call a spade a spade, I'm saying do it respectfully. A strong woman stands up for herself. A stronger woman stands up for others. Critics dismissed the Barbie movie as superficial feminism, but it succeeded in sparking conversations and fostering solidarity. Instead of complaining about the state of feminism, more people should take action to create real change. Women don't need to conform to be heard, yet they face being labeled "pick-me" for challenging the norm. Till next time, as always, stay flirty, stay thirsty, and stay true to who you are regardless of the weightless names people will call you for following your heart. Don’t change who you are for anyone other than yourself! As Charli XCX and Lorde say, “It’s so confusing sometimes to be a girl.”
See you soon,
Paige B.
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