On my left nightstand I have two books, a dead Kindle Fire, a pack of coaster, and a miniature USB plug in lamp. Of the two books one is just for decor (A Dream in Red- Ferrari by Maggi and Maggi) and the other has been sitting there collecting dust and blank stares since January with a bookmark shoved right in the center. This book (House of Sky and Breath by Sarah J. Maas) is one I have tried over and over again to finish but I just can’t, not because I lack reading comprehension skills, it's something far worse… my inability to finish. For as long as I can remember I have had this problem finishing tasks, books, television series, even shampoo bottles; when my shampoo and conditioner bottles are two uses away from being empty I go and buy new ones, then I use the new ones until they are less than half-full I go back the old ones, once the old ones are finished for good I go back to the new ones and repeat the cycle. I don’t know what it is, I just can’t finish things unless I take a break and then go back to them. So why can’t I finish? Is it because I get bored and need a change of pace? Is it because going one day without something can make me forget all about it? Tik Tok says it's due to ADHD or object permanence, but my conscience says it's because I’m lazy. I start so many things and don’t allow myself the time to enjoy them enough to finish, or succeed, or even grow to form them as a habit. So today we are going to be talking about my inability to finish tasks, break bad habits, and form good ones- grab a drink, maybe this is something you struggle with too.
This year I have started 30 books and read 21, started 178 movies and watched 168 till completion, and picked up several hobbies that never made it past the trial and error stage. This week I was really kicking myself for my track record of failed hobbies when I realized the only two that stuck were watching movies and writing, but even this has proven to be a challenge. I want more than anything to try everything to see what I truly enjoy, but is this stopping me from becoming good at any one thing? How can you master a task if you’re constantly starting new ones? I’ve never openly considered myself a perfectionist because I don’t think anything I’ve ever done has been perfect, but I do have a very hard time finishing things if they aren’t to the made up standard I created in my head. Here is a list of all the things/ hobbies I started this year that I haven’t revisited… yet:
Tennis
The harmonica
3 screenplays
Daily meditation
Daily stretching
Reading everyday
Posting on Pinterest
Puzzles
Dating apps (for the best)
As you can see I have some kind of problem. Aside from not allowing myself to finish hobbies I started out of pure curiosity, or tasks I started out of self-care or enjoyment, I don’t even allow myself to finish feeling certain emotions. When I develop a crush on someone, after a week or so I immediately shut it down only to let it eat away at me months down the line. The other day I was really upset because of a plethora of things going on in my life right now and I just told myself to stop, I didn’t allow myself to even finish feeling before I started using therapy speech on myself to get over it. You can’t control these things so you shouldn’t be sad, you should focus on the positives. Don’t let these external forces affect you so much. Someone has it far worse than you do so be happy. I am allowed to be upset, to cry, to feel anger, and yet I won’t let myself finish experiencing these emotions before I try to rid myself of them. I’m like my own worst enemy, constantly restricting myself from the bliss of fulfillment; putting cold spoons on my eyes before I even allow tears to fall. Always on damage control even though I don’t allow myself to generate damage.
So what’s the reason? Why do I feel like I don’t deserve to achieve? I think the nice answer would be to say that I am too eager to try new things to finish the old ones. Maybe I am a perfectionist, so scared of failure and not being successful that I don’t even allow myself the chance to mess up. Perfectionism is ruining my life! This fear- this stupid fear- I created for myself as a child, ruined so many opportunities and experiences for me. This fear that if the things I do or create aren’t perfect then I should just give up, a constant threat in my mind has now bled into everything I do. Surprisingly however, I do not fear rejection, I do not fear embarrassment, but I fear failure more than anything including spiders, not including death. As far back as my mind can reach I have had a clear picture of my future in my head, from my dream job to the floorplan of my dream home, and to me any other possible outcome just seems like failure. I could sit here and rattle off every person who's failed at one thing only to succeed in another but I think you get my point- my inability to finish is rooted in some sick need to be perfect, and yet I don’t even brush my hair everyday. In order to break these bad habits and form better ones I have to acknowledge my behavior and my attitude’s current state: negative. I’m literally doing it right now, I am upset about so many things and I’m trying to force myself to be positive and write a happy ending to this blog- but maybe that’s the happy ending.
In order to grow and adapt to new circumstances we have to acknowledge the things holding us back from success. I am what is holding me back, my conscience is holding me back, my desire to be perfect is holding me back from finishing scripts; reading books; learning the harmonica; stretching before bed; posting on Pinterest; and even properly using dating apps. I am my biggest cheerleader and harshest critic. All I want is to feel fulfilled and happy in my life by creating and experiencing things passionately, in order to do so I need to allow myself the ability to fall on my face. Failure is scary, but it’s also inevitable like death- which is probably why it’s my biggest fear. I am more scared to experience things that I know will come. I deserve achievement but if I don’t allow myself the ability to finish anything I won’t achieve anything. It’s easiest to exist in a state of comfort, not trying too hard while also not trying too little. I don’t want to live in a bubble of fear and comfort, I want to grow outside of myself and succeed which means pushing through tough times and allowing myself the ability to grow, to fall, finish, and to fail. Does this mean I’m gonna crack open Crescent CIty 2 right open and read the final 300 pages, not exactly. However, I am going to give myself grace and recognize these patterns in my actions, while also acknowledging that sometimes it’s okay to give up. Something my yoga instructor said that has stuck with me everyday since I took that class was, “see one thing and feel everything.” Think to yourself what’s the one thing you want to see, is it your future, maybe it's yourself. Whatever that one thing is, find it, focus on it, see it. Now feel everything, and let yourself feel it all until it’s gone. Let yourself finish those feelings, those thoughts, those imaginations, finish and feel everything especially if it’s not perfect. Finish your morning routine before scrolling online. Finish your lunch and savor every bite. Finish that shitty story you wrote in your notes app and allow it to become something great. Finish and feel the excitement of achievement, no matter how small or mundane the task may feel at the moment. Give it your best shot and understand, even welcome the notion that it’s ok to feel flawed. Till next time stay flirty, stay thirsty, and most importantly allow yourself to finish, but also to fail.
See you soon,
Paige B.
Comments